OH BABY!

It has definitely been a while (too long) since I’ve written here, and I’m sorry for that! I’ll be updating more! There were a few months where I couldn’t write because I was secretly pregnant and didn’t want to tell everyone on the inter-web before all my family knew! Tada, I’m pregnant! So now I’m pretty far along! Already in my 15th week of pregnancy! Second trimester!


The first 12 weeks were pretty rough, let me tell you. That is partially the other reason why I have been unable to focus on updating this blog. I had intense morning (noon and night) sickness just up until a few weeks ago. It was like having severe car sickness all the time. I never really threw up all that much, but I felt like I needed to all the time. I think that’s almost worse than barfing… because at least after you throw up you might feel a little better. I had a hard time eating anything. Everything sounded gross or I’d have to eat a little bit of this and a little bit of that. Around the 8th or 9th week I figured out that if I just continuously forced myself to eat small snacks throughout the day, I’d feel a lot better. I’d also wake up in the morning, and before I did anything, I’d eat a Popsicle to boost my blood sugar levels. That way I’d have enough time without feeling sick to shower and get ready before having to eat breakfast. Weird, but it worked.

Being pregnant is like living in somebody else’s body and with their weird eating habits. I can only describe it as your body is in complete control and you are just along for the ride. There are foods that I would eat all the time that I just can’t get down anymore. The top of my ‘no-no’ list is vinegar of any kind, most salad dressings, eggs, and poultry is difficult but doable if I must. The one food that I can eat no mater how I’m feeling is cereal and milk. Last week I ate a Costco size box (not bag… the whole box) of Multi-Grain Cheerios in one week. Zachary will eat a modest bowl in the morning and I practically eat a mixing bowl size of cereal. Haha! I can’t help it! I also went through 4 gallons of milk in 5 days. Yea…

I’ve only had one really bad, dramatic mood swing to date (targeted at Zachary of course… because it’s his pregnancy too!) Hormone levels are off the charts.

Over the last few months, I’ve been having the worst hip and shoulder pains. I had hip problems before being pregnant… but being pregnant just made it ten times worse. It got to the point where I had to buckle and buy and official “pregnancy pillow.” It was expensive for sure, but totally worth it. I sleep so well and wake up with no pains at all! Zachary loves the pillow because its soft and he likes to lay in it occasionally… but he also hates that it takes up half the bed! Lately he’s been sleeping on the side of it so that’s nice. I feel very separate of him though… which is sad… but honestly I like not walking around like I have severe arthritis in my hips.

It’s been really fun watching my belly blow up. I am amazed at how fast the size changes go from week to week. My mom pointed out to me that I am currently the size she usually was at 6 months… but I’m only at 15 weeks! All I can think about is just how huge I’m going to be! I wonder what position Little Guy is in that would make him stick out so far?! I went to the doctor this week and was happy to find out that my weight gain is average. I gained a lot of weight in the first trimester and then only about a pound or two between my first and second OB appointments. Wheew! I’m not noticing any severe weight gain anywhere other than my mid-section which is comforting as well.

(IMAGES -above: 14 weeks -below: 15 weeks)

Words can’t describe how excited I am to have this baby. It’s so strong and powerful. I find it to be odd sometimes being so connected to my belly and wanting to touch my belly 90 % of the day… but it really makes me feel connected and like I’m forming a bond with my baby. Zachary is so cute. He likes to talk to my belly and touch my belly. I think he’s going to be the best father.

I also strongly feel that it’s a boy. Zachary and I always call the baby Little Guy… and use boy nouns like ‘he’ and ‘him.’ I could be wrong… but it would be fun if I were right! I’ll find out the sex of the baby on March 18th!! March is a busy month! We have 2 OB appointments… the sex-determining ultrasound appointment… and I find out if my current job is going to give me a hefty raise! So much! I can’t wait!

I Think I Dropped It Somewhere.

I watched this video series about the loss of religion and related to it so much. There were times that made me so sad because I knew exactly what he was talking about. I think he was more or an intense Christian believer than I was, but to a degree, we shared the same feelings.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSy1-Q_BEtQ

I'm reading the book "Conversations with God" right now. It's an interesting approach to spiritual thinking. I see it as opinion based. I can't honestly believe that this guy is writing a dialog with God... but it's an interesting approach. The way the book is structured reminds me of that episode of The Office when Dwight is 99% sure that the Ben Franklin impersonator is not really... Ben Franklin.

Scary Man Tools!!

Home Depot is probably my favorite place to gather materials for projects. The worst part about it is that there are employees there. You know the ones in the bright orange aprons that treat you like you are an alien from another dimension. Oh you know.


Zachary and I just officially completed moving and now I need to figure out a way to cover the nice white carpet in the second room so I can organize my studio and get to working! I decided to put down a plastic tarp, a canvas drop cloth, and then a piece of carpet remnant that is cut to the size of the room. That way I won’t have to think of how much it may/will cost to replace the apartment’s carpet after I accidentally spill paint or something.

Anyhow…back to Home Depot and why they should fire all their employees.

Today at lunch I picked up my free carpet remnant, compliments of craigslist, and decided I had enough time to get to Home Depot to buy my supplies for my studio. That means I went to a hardware store, midday, in a pantsuit…amongst a sea of construction workers. I knew going in to it that I should have waited till I could change into dirty jeans and a t-shirt after work… but I’m all about maximizing my time so I went anyways.

When I was in school I went to Home Depot all the time in dirty studio clothes and I always knew exactly where what I needed was. I never got lost. I lived there basically. Even though I knew what I needed and confidently strode across the store to get whatever it was, I still got stopped by employees who would talk to me like I was five. One time I asked if they had copper brads and I was told to go to a craft store. Give me a break! I also hate it when they ask me if I’m sure that’s what I want to buy. Are you sure you don’t want me to punch you? Cause I will if you ask nice. I think it’s safe to say that women are treated a little differently than men at the HD. How are they to know that I, being a woman, am able to weld and wield a hammer just like any man could? I understand that there are women out there who can't use even the most basic of tools... but I think its unfair to treat all women as if they've never fixed something themselves. I can really respect a woman who does not need help doing her own fixer-upers and I'd like to believe that most woman can!

HD is always an experience and luckily I expect it so it doesn’t rain on my parade too much.

I think in addition to being a woman… wearing a pant suit also must indicate that I have no idea how a flat bed cart works (you push it in case you ladies out there, who are also wearing pant suites, were wondering). I had a guy offer to push my cart for me. Yup, you guessed it… it was empty. No thank you Mr. Creeper, I think I can manage. I also had an employee wink at me. I wonder if they do that with the smelly male construction workers that come in… hm. I’ve also never had so many employees say hi to me… just to say hi, no real reason… kind of the way a little kid would tap you on the shoulder to make sure you’re looking when they say hi. It made me feel so awkward!

Oh Home Depot, you bring out my fist-pumping-feminist-side.


 
I'm pretty sure that "Her Depot" was a huge ball of failure. Or at least I hope it was.
 
And we cannot forget the Playboy's Women of Home Depot spread of 2004.

"Playboy is an American icon and I am so excited to have been chosen as one of the models for this feature," said Rachel Parks, one of the feature's models. "This has been a once-in-a-lifetime experience."

Elephant In The Room

In our bedroom hang three pictures from my senior thesis show. I’m proud of what I produced… therefore I hang it in the bedroom. I understand that some people are squeamish about nudity in any form, so that is why they are not in the living room where we entertain.

Today my husband’s dad is coming to visit us and Zachary asked that I take down my pictures. My gut reaction was ‘sure’ simply to please him and ease the situation but then I came to realize how upset that made me feel. I can understand why he would want it taken down because his dad is not someone who might be open to that type of art… but you know what, not everyone is going to be okay with everything I make. I think I’m more upset that some people can’t see what I see when I look at those pieces. It’s when I peaked as an artist in school (not in life I hope)… I earned a degree with these pieces. It frustrates me that I have to hide what I did in school from my in-laws and all guests in our home. (PHOTOS TAKEN BY AISHA KHAN...BACK IN THE DAY).

Please go to the BakerArtistAwards for more of my work. Be sure to check out the videos on the bottom of the page. They are only snips of the larger, longer videos… Most of my videos look like still shots because I stay so still. Only a subtle hint of breathing or involuntary twitches occur. It is almost a form of painful meditation.

When I graduated last year, someone posted this on their blog.

You see, it’s this type of shit that really just pushes me over the edge. The funny part is how I didn’t even see this site for at least a year after my senior show. Who are you to decide what I should and should not be making? Well it’s this sort of heckling that has caused me to move away from the performative aspects of my art. I’m a little indifferent about it. I’d say that I’ve been away for that part of my life for long enough that I can’t really defend myself and what I did anymore. All I know is that I was happy with what I was making at the time and that is important. If it were not for the processes I learned while making my previous pieces and taking in my previous concepts and feedback, I never would be making what I am now.

"I want the viewer to do a lot of work and feel uncomfortable. They should be made to feel responsible for their own view of the world rather than look at an artist's view and be critical of it"-Damien Hirst

I Want to Spend the Rest of My Life Everywhere, with Everyone, One to One, Always, Forever, Now

This Damien Hirst book is an amazing experience to read. I’m really glad I bought it. It is a real inspiration.

Religion (Or Lack There Of)

I’m sure you’ve all seen the South Park Episode where the hippies take over…
 http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/103815/

In a way, I believe that I had a very similar experience in Art School, but rather with religion. Everyone was extreme left-wing liberals… self-proclaimed revolutionaries in their own individualisms and awkward outfits who detest any sort of presence of a higher being. I don’t want it to seem like my college years were negative but I do feel like I “lost my religion”…to put it in the great words of REM… to my peers.

Today, Zachary will be taking his qualifications exam to become an official PhD candidate in the Chemical Engineering Department at Stanford University. I’m really excited for him!! This is probably one of the biggest days of his life! If this had taken place before I went to college, I would most likely pray for him. I’d pray for God to give my husband the strength and confidence to get through his presentation and for his worries to all be put to rest… but now I find that I am in a very different place in my life. I don’t attend church and very rarely did I attend at MICA. Even though I can sit here and write out what I would pray… it all seems so empty to me and even scripted because I no longer have that connection with God and my Catholic roots. Now that I am out of school, and out of the hostile, anti-religious mentality of art school… I find myself wondering if I could ever get that back. It took 12 years of my life to get to the level of faith I had when I entered my freshman year of college. It just baffles me that all that could be taken down in a mere 4 years.

Naturally, the answer to this problem is to just start attending church again, right? I don’t think it’s that simple at all. I’m skeptical now. I don’t know what I believe anymore and I don’t want to force myself into anything either. There is nothing worse than being pressured into anything! It has come to a point where I view organized religion as a guilt trip or a way to take money from me. That may sound selfish, but it’s true. The rare times that I went to church while visiting home on breaks during school, I felt like I would basically go to Hell if I did not give something to the church (because they were going BANKRUPT). I love how when collection rates are up, diocese are praised. Last time I checked, that was not the main purpose of organized religion… but sadly it has become a focal point as of late.


I think the last time I did confession was the first time to get my sacrament. In fact, I’m 100% positive about that.

The real root of the matter… besides having no connection towards religion… is that Zachary and I will be raising children soon. We have to make a commitment of sorts so that the kids won’t get confused! Right now I’d say that Zachary and I are equally non-religious. It may be because we have been living together for a while now that we are kind of on the same “spiritual level” and take on each other’s ideals. I feel like we need to provide a religious background simply to offer an additional stable constant. Read theses interesting studies on the affects of religion and academic performance:

University Of Texas
Sherkat

Maybe our child should just be Jewish. Case solved.

Great article about picking a religion for your children:
Preconception

Who Does She Think She Is??

I’ve never been much of a writer… I think that is an important detail to note before delving into this blog. The idea of a blog has always been somewhat unproductive to me, but it is also a great way to document a period of time, thoughts and experiences. I am in the throws of a huge turning point in my life as an artist and as a wife. The changes and progressions are so amazing that I have been driven to start this blog that melds my “professional” artistic life with my evolving marriage with my husband and the beginning of the expansion of our family.

I am 2008 Alumni of the Maryland Institute College of Art. It is there that I received my bachelor degree in General Sculpture Studies and where I fell in love with women/feminist performance artists. Most people cannot name 5 women artists off the top of their heads.

Louise Bourgeois
Ana Mendieta
Ann Hamilton
Marina Abramovic
Magdalena Abakanowicz
Tara Donovan
Rebecca Horn
Judy Chicago
Eva Hesse
Agnes Martin

These are some of my most influential artists! It really saddens me that there is not more of a feminine presence in the art world today. In the 60s and 70s, there was such a fire brought by women artists which was fueled by the women’s liberation. Art institutes’ student body today consists of 80% women, but in the professional art world outside of the institute, men make up 70-80% of successful, gallery artists. On top of that… most of the few successful international artists do not have children. Art has such a potential to take up all of my time, so I can understand this statistic… If I did not have to work 9 hours out of the day, I would most likely be making all day and night. A good friend of mine, May Wilson, was talking to me on the phone the other day and she stated something very interesting… how “good” could we be if we focused on our art all the time like we did in school? I try not to think about that too much, because it’s somewhat depressing. I’d hope that someday, when my husband is out of school and working, I might be able to actually pursue my art as a full-time job.

Lately I’ve had this strong desire to have a child with my husband… which is funny, because if you knew me in high school and/or college… I’ve been pretty adamant about not having children. I am a true believer (now) that there is a nurture/mother instinct that is within us all that happens to intensify after getting married. It’s out there. It exists. It turns out that getting pregnant is something that could actually happen in the very near future since I’ve settled into a stable job that can support my family during my husband’s education. (Zachary does bring in some money… give credit when credit is dueJ). Some would say that it would be selfish to have a child and work towards becoming a successful artist simply because the time it takes to make art, even if on the side, could be spent with your child. I feel like that is the same sort of mentality that people have towards women who work with children. I don’t see how it is bad to want to support your family by working, but still have children.

I’d like to see this movie if it’d ever come out on DVD in the next millennium…
Who Does She Think She Is? Trailer:



A very good article about the pros and cons of stay at home motherhood and working moms:

Mom VS. Mom

After reading this article, I feel like it was mainly pro-working mother. Once again, I do not see anything wrong with working and having children as long as you are able to provide, love and support your children! My husband and I would not be able to afford a child if I stopped working. Also, I do not think that having children means that I have to discontinue my pursuit of my hopes and dreams. If I were to stop making art, I know I would most likely slip into a deep, intense depression. What kind of atmosphere would that create for my child? I think finding a balance is best in order to teach my children through example.

I am getting ready to read a book called: “Strong Hearts, Inspired Minds: 21 Artists Who Are Mothers Tell Their Stories.” Based on the reviews, it seems very hit or miss. I, for one, am just curious about what other mom-artists are doing because I know for sure I’m not the first to take this path. I’m hoping for some success stories. I want to have the best of both worlds and I want to know it’s achievable.

A review will come in the near future!