Here are some progress pictures from my studio work this week. I really feel that being as busy as I am with Brody (who’s almost 6 months old!!), working full-time, and trying to get some rest here and there… I’m more productive than I ever have been in my studio work because I’m gifted with very few hours to work. Since I have to drive to the studio, I have to commit to going and make sure I’m productive while there or else its not worth taking away from resting or being with Brody. I find that I am working faster and more deliberately than I ever have. There’s certain urgency in my making. A part of me feels I’m trying to prove myself to those around me… to prove that even though I am a mother now, I can still make… I’m still an artist and I can still develop my career if I’m determined enough.I now dedicate approximately 15 hours a week towards studio time and an additional 4 hours a week towards updating my website, blogging, documenting, and applying to shows. I feel like I have three full-time jobs!! Even though I’m exhausted come the weekends, its all worth it because I feel like I’m having my cake and eating it too. I get to see Brody as much as I normally would with the exception of a few hours on the weekend (special daddy hours). I work when Brody sleeps… am fueled by caffeine all day long… and crash at night for a few hours of broken sleep. These pictures show progress that I am damn proud of. It’s proof if not to anyone but myself that I’m doing it all and won’t settle for less.
I knew I’d like having a studio space but I had no idea it would be so liberating! It’s nice having a place that is completely separate of my home where I can work, be messy, listen to music loudly, and not have to really worry about anything. I hadn’t realized how much I work with toxic materials so it is wonderful to be able to work freely with any material I want and not have to worry about killing off my family. I moved into my studio New Year’s Eve day and have only spent a few hours there, but I’m already in love. Now I have the daunting task of unpacking! I think it’ll take me a weekend to get everything set up the way I want it… but well worth my time and effort. Will post pictures once I’m all set up! Can’t wait to start working on my first piece!
I've posted goals on the wall of our kitchen. Come January... I'm going to hit the ground running. Studio here I come!
SHORT TERM GOALS:
-Revamp Artist Website
-Start Posting on Blog Regularly (done and done)
-Hang pictures of old work to inform new work
-Update Artist Bio & Artist Statement
-Apply to as many shows & galleries as humanly possible.
-Keep picking away at new work.
-Experiment with cheap, archival materials
-Photograph work made since school to date
-Mockettes
-Keep Reading/Stay Informed/Research
WORK A MINIMUM OF 1 HOUR EVERY WEEK NIGHT. 2 HOURS MINIMUM EVERY SATURDAY & SUNDAY!!
...no excuses....
LONG TERM GOALS:
-Complete at least 4 new works before January 2012.
-Participate in 4 shows before January 2012.
-Try for 1 solo show before January 2012.
-Apply to Stanford Graduate Fine Art Program Fall 2011.
-Apply again Fall 2012 if necessary.
I have a studio space I’ve acquired a few miles from my apartment.I’ll be moving in come January 1. I’m excited to be able to make large pieces again! I’ve been creating these mockettes for the last few months and honestly… I hate mockettes. I get absolutely no satisfaction from doing them at all. I can see the benefit of seeing if the initial project idea will work and all but it’s just not as involved and exciting as making a life-sized piece.
This is a recently completed mockette that I plan to make life size come January:
It’s made out of wire, parchment paper, and masking tape. Nice and cheap materials! This is my general response to being pregnant and the cathartic birth process. For those of you who did not hear the story of Brody’s birth, I was in labor for about 36 hours. I ended up receiving an epidural but not until the very end. I was about 7 hours from when I delivered when the pain became too much for me to handle. I can’t even describe the pain. I think I would still try and do it naturally if I were to have another child since I had to be induced with Brody. Being induced makes the contractions unnaturally strong and close together. I’ll always wonder if I could have done it naturally if I was not induced. We’ll see someday I’m sure!
The whole birthing process was like being in this weird bubble where time stands completely still. It felt like forever but also really quick.Giving birth was the hardest thing I’ve ever accomplished in my life to date and this sculpture is of a pregnant figure being stretched beyond human means. The hands are cupped, as if to receive communion.In a sense, having a child is the unspoken sacrament that every good Catholic should be sure to do. The cupped hands are distanced from the figure, as a visual representation of my own separation from the church and my wavering belief in god. When I was younger, I always said I would never have kids. I think this stemmed from the pressure from the Catholic Church and my family to have kids.When my husband and I got married, we had to sign a document that stated “when” we had kids (not if), we would promise to raise them Catholic. (Brody won’t be baptized at this time… I just don’t feel right deciding that for him… but that’s a topic for another post). I didn’t think much of this ‘Catholic-contract’ at the time of signing it… but when Zach and I started talking about having a baby, I remember thinking to myself that I wanted to have kids on my own terms. I didn’t want to have children because a religion told me I should or because my family wants me to. I wanted to be 100% positive that I was ready to be a mother and give unconditional love to my child(ren). I thought about it long and hard because I knew it would change my ability to make art or travel. Ultimately in the end, I decided that I wanted to be both a mother and an artist.
I’m grappling with what materials to make the larger figure with. A part of me feels it should be done in an all white material such as plaster or marble dust/resin with some copper wire accents. White being pure and clean and the copper wire color being precious. Everything would be clean and pristine. I’d also like to make the figure with all natural materials such as burlap and jute fibers covered sloppily with amber shellac. The figure would look almost moist because of the sheen of its finish, which would speak to the birthing process in all its frantic messiness.
My life has changed in a lot of ways since the last time I posted here. Being pregnant is way in my rearview mirror at this point. Having Brody in my life is incredible! He’s a physical manifest of my husband’s and my love. He’s our little guy and we love him very much! (It doesn’t hurt that he’s so beautiful! How did we create such a cute babe?)
Overall, I think I’ve been having some rollercoaster feelings about making art and having a child…
…which is interesting since I thought I’d have more of a push-pull with going back to work and having a child. I have no real problem with being back at work. I feel a little bit guilty about the fact that I sort of get a “break” from motherhood for the time I’m at work. Even weekends are not as relaxed as I am at work since being a mom is more than a full-time job. Might I remind you… my job is stressful? I work for many very important people who expect perfection out of me day in and day out. There’s hell to be paid if I’m anything less. I’m good at my job and it pays the rent and much needed health insurance… I just think it’s a little sad that that’s my “low-stress” point of the week. Don’t get the wrong idea please… I don’t dread coming home! I just am fully aware that more of me and my energy are needed when I go home. It’s not that I don’t love ever second of it… it’s just that it’s much more work than anything else in my life right now.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so exhausted in my life. There's an underbelly of sleep deprivation all the time. Chronic and ever-lasting. I don’t think even my closest friends can understand what my husband and I are going through in terms of the tiredness and the rewards of parenting. That can be depressing at times… okay that’s an understatement… it’s apparent and depressing all the time.
…Back to art-making melding with motherhood. I feel like I’ve sunken into this weird under-world of artists. Like a glass ceiling made especially created for artists who have families. I look up through this transparent glass floor and can see the progress of friends with their art careers and I become resentful. I try to be as supportive as I can and give honest feedback for friend’s works and writings but find I don’t get similar support for MY art career anymore. I really think it’s because I had a baby and that’s really unsettling. It has just been hard going from having my friends take time to critique my work and help think-tank with me all the time to hardly at all. I have to really push and ask repeatedly to get any feedback and even then it’s always surface level. I miss getting honest reviews and thoughtful responses. For some reason I still give out my thoughtful responses anytime I’m asked. Makes me feel like the things I’m doing are not important because the people who used to think my work was important won’t give me a minute of their time.
To take on a more proactive viewpoint of the same problem: I need to be able to create art and not need the approval or support of any one and be satisfied.
But I'm not an island and truly desire the support of my friends.
I’ve been trying to control what I can. I can’t do absolutely everything that I want to at this point in my life and I need to come to terms with it. That may sound like giving up but it’s not. I’m trying to not overwhelm myself with everything I ‘should’ and ‘could’ be doing.
He wiggled and jiggled during his ultrasound. It was super cute. His fingers and toes are so cute and little! The size of one foot is BIGGER than his whole body was when we had our first ultrasound! He's so big now! I won't get precise measurements of his whole body for a few days when the pictures are analyzed.
Little guy kept hiding his spine from our practitioner so she had me eat a cookie and apple juice to get him to move so she could measure the spine. I'm unsure if it worked or if I have to go back for another ultra sound... but it was fun to watch him bounce around from the sugar rush!
I liked watching him kick and feeling him kick simultaneously! Its like interactive TV! haha! Its hard to believe that our little gummy bear 11 weeks ago got so big!!
We had another doctor’s appointment yesterday! It went really well! I got the results back from my blood tests and my baby has a 1 in 90,000 chance of having downs. Good numbers! My iron is up and baby’s heartbeat is strong and healthy. 140 beats per minute! Weight gain, as shocking as the numbers are, is healthy and steady. It’s hard to believe that I have gained 15 pounds in the last 19 weeks!! Gaining that fast and suddenly is really shocking my body! I have a hard time getting up off the couch or out of bed. I make these grunting sounds now, haha! Apparently in the next month, the baby is going to gain about 26 more oz! That’s so fast!! I have a feeling this won’t be comfortable at all. We’ll see!
In other doctor news: I CAN EAT DELI MEATS, INTERNET! This whole time I thought I couldn’t. If I had to rank my cravings, I’d say deli sandwiches are number one… (Closely followed by Flaming Hot Cheetos… haha! Hooray for having prescription heartburn medicine!) At my appointment, I felt guilty because I’ve been eating deli meats like it’s my business (Subway is my secret place to indulge)… and I wanted to know if I should stop. My doctor laughed and said that she wants to slap everyone on the internet who says you can’t eat deli meats or cheeses. YAAY! I can also eat hot dogs apparently! To celebrate, Zachary got me a Polish dog from Costco that night lol! I always want one when we shop at Costco every other week! I was the happiest pregnant lady. Haha!
I’ve been having really bad cramps these past few days. They are like lightening strikes that are super intense for maybe 20 seconds and then it passes. I’m experiencing round ligament pains. My doctor says it should only last about a month. Whoa, it was so weird! At my appointment, my doctor pulled out a tape measurer and was quickly able to measure my uterus… I asked how she knew where the top was so fast… since it was inside me… haha! (I’m sure they get dumb questions like that all the time) She had me feel the top of my uterus and that was just the strangest feeling! It’s currently above my belly button too! Felt like a tight ball got lodged in me haha!
This is my last week of being able to sleep on my back. For a few months, I was under the impression that I HAD to sleep on my side even early on in the pregnancy. Oh man, my hips hurt so bad! My doctor told me last month that I can sleep on my back until the 20th week… NEXT WEEK! AHH! I’ve been trying to train myself to get used to mainly sleeping on my side and even with my fancy-pants maternity pillow, it hurts like hell! I’ve been contemplating utilizing Chiropractic visits, seeing how my doctor said there are lots of benefits to it and my health insurance covers it. The only problem is that I would have to travel pretty far to get to a doctor that is within my HMO group plan. I’m going to see if they have weekend appointments. That would be ideal. I just feel guilty taking company time to go get my spine realigned and a massage. Haha! I’m going to have to start using a heating pad on my hips and back too. I’m not really a big bath person, or else a warm bath would help. We’ll see how bad I suffer.
Last week I felt the first “flutterings” of Little Guy in my belly! He mainly likes to wiggle at night when I’m really relaxed. It could also be that I’m calmed down enough to really focus and feel what is happening. I can’t wait till Zachary can feel the movements! It will be very special indeed. In 14 days (!!) we will find out if Little Guy is actually… a little guy. Haha! I can’t wait! My last ultrasound before we meet our baby! I can’t believe I’m nearly 5 months pregnant already! Where did the time go?? Who knew such an uncomfortable process could fly by so fast!
I graduated from the Maryland Institute College of Art with a Bachelor's Degree in General Sculpture Studies. In the last year I have graduated, gotten married, and moved to California with my husband. Zachary is a PhD candidate at Stanford. I work as an executive assistant at an investment firm in Palo Alto where I make enough money for us both to live. Someday I would like to work on my art profession full time.
