Coming Out of the Woodwork

My life has changed in a lot of ways since the last time I posted here. Being pregnant is way in my rearview mirror at this point. Having Brody in my life is incredible! He’s a physical manifest of my husband’s and my love. He’s our little guy and we love him very much! (It doesn’t hurt that he’s so beautiful! How did we create such a cute babe?)

Overall, I think I’ve been having some rollercoaster feelings about making art and having a child…

…which is interesting since I thought I’d have more of a push-pull with going back to work and having a child. I have no real problem with being back at work. I feel a little bit guilty about the fact that I sort of get a “break” from motherhood for the time I’m at work. Even weekends are not as relaxed as I am at work since being a mom is more than a full-time job. Might I remind you… my job is stressful? I work for many very important people who expect perfection out of me day in and day out. There’s hell to be paid if I’m anything less. I’m good at my job and it pays the rent and much needed health insurance… I just think it’s a little sad that that’s my “low-stress” point of the week. Don’t get the wrong idea please… I don’t dread coming home! I just am fully aware that more of me and my energy are needed when I go home. It’s not that I don’t love ever second of it… it’s just that it’s much more work than anything else in my life right now.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so exhausted in my life. There's an underbelly of sleep deprivation all the time. Chronic and ever-lasting. I don’t think even my closest friends can understand what my husband and I are going through in terms of the tiredness and the rewards of parenting. That can be depressing at times… okay that’s an understatement… it’s apparent and depressing all the time.

…Back to art-making melding with motherhood. I feel like I’ve sunken into this weird under-world of artists. Like a glass ceiling made especially created for artists who have families. I look up through this transparent glass floor and can see the progress of friends with their art careers and I become resentful. I try to be as supportive as I can and give honest feedback for friend’s works and writings but find I don’t get similar support for MY art career anymore. I really think it’s because I had a baby and that’s really unsettling. It has just been hard going from having my friends take time to critique my work and help think-tank with me all the time to hardly at all. I have to really push and ask repeatedly to get any feedback and even then it’s always surface level. I miss getting honest reviews and thoughtful responses. For some reason I still give out my thoughtful responses anytime I’m asked. Makes me feel like the things I’m doing are not important because the people who used to think my work was important won’t give me a minute of their time.

To take on a more proactive viewpoint of the same problem: I need to be able to create art and not need the approval or support of any one and be satisfied.

But I'm not an island and truly desire the support of my friends.

I’ve been trying to control what I can. I can’t do absolutely everything that I want to at this point in my life and I need to come to terms with it. That may sound like giving up but it’s not. I’m trying to not overwhelm myself with everything I ‘should’ and ‘could’ be doing.